Three months ago my girlfriend of nearly 2 years turned 21. We went out to dinner at a stylish pub type restaurant and she spent the night (that's nothing new, we lived together for about 6 months or so). The next morning we went out to breakfast and caught a matinee. We each had separate plans for that evening and did not speak again until i called her th next night. for the first time since the day we met, i could tell that she didn't want to be talking to me. i asked her what was wrong, and it turned out that she had met someone that she felt chemistry with for the first time in a long while and that it had given her cause to reevaluate our relationship (things had been difficult for a couple of months due to nothing insurmountable, but the honeymoon period had long since passed - although it resurfaced pretty regularly) and she felt we should break up. prior to this, she had made it abundantly clear to me without my asking that she could never even imagine being with anyone else after knowing me, and i was naive enough to believe her. this was her making an abrupt and acute left turn out of nowhere. i was totally blindsided and it hit me far harder and deeper than i would've imagined. i tried to talk with her over the next several days because i watched her be out of her mind in a just having turned 21 kind of way, but the girl i knew her to be was nowhere to be found. i was at a loss. instead of pestering her with a barage of phonecalls, i began to write her a pretty steady flow of e-mails offering what insights i was having and generally expressing my love in both a selfish and selfless sense. i chose to utilize e-mail because she'd not be forced to read my words if she didn't want to, and should she choose to read or respond, she could do it in her own time. at some point within the first ten days of breaking up, i spoke with her on the phone and asked her if she loved this guy, and she said, "i hardly even know him yet, how can i be in love with him?" i asked, "but you guys are physical already, are you touching or kissing?" she said that she didn't wanna discuss that and i said, "jesus, baby, have you given yourself to him already?". again she said she didn't want to talk about it again. i said that if you can't say no then it means yes. i was pretty out of my mind heartbroken by that and yet at the same time in denial. i decided it would be best for me to go visit and seek the counsel of some very close friends in a different part of the country. i said goodbye to her and earnestly wished her well in whatever endeavors she may enter into in both the present and future. when i reached my destination, i sent her more e-mail letting her know that i had reached safely and that i love her and hope she is well. she wrote back to thank me for that. i wrote back again a day or two later, and that's when i got a response where she addressed me by a term of endearment in the subject of the e-mail. in fact, it was the first time she'd actually filled in the subject line since this all went down. her letter was otherwise cryptic, too. we continued corresponding via e-mail over the course of the two weeks i was gone, and as i had long before scheduled a long trip out of the country that i would leave for just days after getting home from this trip accross the country, she suggested that we see each other face to face before i go. she was still being totally ambiguous about her motivation and her feelings, but i had my suspicions that she wanted me back. i ended up seeing her the night that i got back, and she confessed to me that she didn't know if she could trust me with her heart but that she wanted to be able to. i had my guitar, and i played and sang a song i'd written her. i just wanted to express those true feelings of love for her regardless of how they might have impacted that current situation. later on in the evening, she showed me pictures in her album, and a couple of them featured the other guy. i saw them and remarked, wow, you already had a full blown new boyfriend. she said, "he wasn't my boyfriend". i said, "but you were intimate with him". i could of course tell because i'm pretty perceptive, and until that point i had been her one and only (which meant so very much to me). she turned away from me and broke down crying and said "please don't hate me" over and over again. i told her that i didn't hate her and that i love her. she said she felt i should be so mad at her and i asked how i could be mad at her when i love her so much. i really didn't think i was mad at her at the time. she asked if it made her less desirable and i told her no. she said she was lonely and vulnerable and confused and felt pressured and had been drinking. i felt that i could understand that. we ended up being somewhat intimate that night after she expressed that she was willing to try trusting me with her heart. that is totally ironic, because i've been nothing short of noble and loyal to her and i've had every opportunity not to be. in short, we recommited to each other that night. the next night, she told me she wanted me inside of her, and i asked her if she had used protection with this guy. she said "not every time". my heart dropped throught the floor and my head began to spin. "what do you mean not every time?!" she had made it seem like she made a mistake and it happened just once, but that was clearly not the case, now.
i inquired as to how many times it had happened. "how many times?" i said, "how may nights?" she said two, and i continued to be sick for awhile, but somehow we moved passed that and recommited yet again. the next day, it came up again, and i forget exactly what brought this out, but i found out that she had only answerwed how many nights and not how many times. well guess what, the first night the spent together, which was within ten days (probably less than ten and more like 8) of her breaking up with me and within 11 days of me being inside of her and her telling me how very much she loves me, she gave herself to this guy on the living room carpet of a house which she shares with three roommates not once, not Twice, not THRee times, but FOUR @#%$ TIMES throughout the night. as if that's not extreme enough, three times were without a condom and at least one time it was doggy style. there she was, this guy that by her own words she didn't even know pumping himself into her over and over and over and over again, sweaty, dripping with his cum, while i was at home dripping with tears and writing her a love song. even more @#%$ has come out over the past couple of months that is of a personal moral nature in which this guy had shown himself to be absolutely contrary to all that i'd thought she valued in me - all that i thought made it possible for her to give herself to me in that way (the time we were apart was from the end of the first week of july through august 1st, by the way) and even declared that he makes it a mission to try and destroy peoples faith and convince them not to have any in whatever they may have it in. this guy is absolutely dispicible. he even told her at some point that if she hadn't had sex with her, he would've had to rape her. the second night that they had sex was about a week after the first. he also told her at some time that she is "so not marriage material". the only things that didn't go absolutely nightmarishly are that she never sucked his dick and he never gave her an orgasm (i give her multiples almost without fail) and that his dick wasn't perceived as larger than mine. by the way, we'd never even come close to the kind of sexual marathon they had, and we'd only done it doggystyle maybe five times because to me i always felt it to be the most intimate and trust illustrating position for a woman to share herself in. i don't know what to do. things are so polarized. there is no clear shortage of love between us, and i always felt like her age and experience levels were gonna require her to learn things independently of me in order for a future to be possible for us (i was 25 at the time, and i've spent my entire life pushing the experiential envelope), but i mean, @#%$, did it really have to be that extreme? i mean, it doesn't matter if it had to or not, but i don't know how to or if i can get over on it at this point. it's been two months since we got back together, and it still makes me feel absolutely nauseated fairly regularly. but i @#%$ love this girl, and i feel some crazy sense that she truly needs me in this world, and i am loyal way past to a fault. i know it's not about being afraid to be alone, because i have plenty of other opportunities. i just don't know what to do. it's awesome when this stuff doesn't run me, but it seems i spend every passing moment whether awake or asleep pushing away doubt and feelings of betrayal. i'm all for integrating experiences, but i'm at a loss here. i feel like this is a no win situation - stay with the girl i love and deal with this hell indefinitely or give up the girl that i love and have invested so much of my soul in. the way the facts came out was so @#%$ up, because i know that if it had all come out up front, i'd have been like, "@#%$ all this noise, i'm gonna go get a new life, now. see ya. i hope it was worth it." she tells me she's learned lessons that she needed to learn and that she knows what's "real" now in a way she didn't before, and part of me believes her, but part of me is just like, get the @#%$ outta here before your heart straight up gets killed, man. i mean, i'm familiar with getting run by @#%$ and being spun and acting totally out of character, but for me this @#%$ is still incomprehensible because i could never even fathom feeling what we've had for eachother and then having it be so inconsequential and insignificant to me that i could be with someone else within a couple of months let alone days. i'm also torn between whether by continuing this relationship i'm being realistic in terms of acceptance or if i'm compromising my ideals and values. there's such a fine line between wisdom and being jaded. if i stay in this, i'm not sure it isn't out of weakness, and if i leave it behind, i'm also not sure it wouldn't be out of weakness.
so, if anyone has the energy to get into all of this to help me out, i'd appreciate any earnest input or perspective. thanks for taking the time to read it if you made it this far.
peace, love, acceptance, integration, & transcendence,
BeBop
i inquired as to how many times it had happened. "how many times?" i said, "how may nights?" she said two, and i continued to be sick for awhile, but somehow we moved passed that and recommited yet again. the next day, it came up again, and i forget exactly what brought this out, but i found out that she had only answerwed how many nights and not how many times. well guess what, the first night the spent together, which was within ten days (probably less than ten and more like 8) of her breaking up with me and within 11 days of me being inside of her and her telling me how very much she loves me, she gave herself to this guy on the living room carpet of a house which she shares with three roommates not once, not Twice, not THRee times, but FOUR @#%$ TIMES throughout the night. as if that's not extreme enough, three times were without a condom and at least one time it was doggy style. there she was, this guy that by her own words she didn't even know pumping himself into her over and over and over and over again, sweaty, dripping with his cum, while i was at home dripping with tears and writing her a love song. even more @#%$ has come out over the past couple of months that is of a personal moral nature in which this guy had shown himself to be absolutely contrary to all that i'd thought she valued in me - all that i thought made it possible for her to give herself to me in that way (the time we were apart was from the end of the first week of july through august 1st, by the way) and even declared that he makes it a mission to try and destroy peoples faith and convince them not to have any in whatever they may have it in. this guy is absolutely dispicible. he even told her at some point that if she hadn't had sex with her, he would've had to rape her. the second night that they had sex was about a week after the first. he also told her at some time that she is "so not marriage material". the only things that didn't go absolutely nightmarishly are that she never sucked his dick and he never gave her an orgasm (i give her multiples almost without fail) and that his dick wasn't perceived as larger than mine. by the way, we'd never even come close to the kind of sexual marathon they had, and we'd only done it doggystyle maybe five times because to me i always felt it to be the most intimate and trust illustrating position for a woman to share herself in. i don't know what to do. things are so polarized. there is no clear shortage of love between us, and i always felt like her age and experience levels were gonna require her to learn things independently of me in order for a future to be possible for us (i was 25 at the time, and i've spent my entire life pushing the experiential envelope), but i mean, @#%$, did it really have to be that extreme? i mean, it doesn't matter if it had to or not, but i don't know how to or if i can get over on it at this point. it's been two months since we got back together, and it still makes me feel absolutely nauseated fairly regularly. but i @#%$ love this girl, and i feel some crazy sense that she truly needs me in this world, and i am loyal way past to a fault. i know it's not about being afraid to be alone, because i have plenty of other opportunities. i just don't know what to do. it's awesome when this stuff doesn't run me, but it seems i spend every passing moment whether awake or asleep pushing away doubt and feelings of betrayal. i'm all for integrating experiences, but i'm at a loss here. i feel like this is a no win situation - stay with the girl i love and deal with this hell indefinitely or give up the girl that i love and have invested so much of my soul in. the way the facts came out was so @#%$ up, because i know that if it had all come out up front, i'd have been like, "@#%$ all this noise, i'm gonna go get a new life, now. see ya. i hope it was worth it." she tells me she's learned lessons that she needed to learn and that she knows what's "real" now in a way she didn't before, and part of me believes her, but part of me is just like, get the @#%$ outta here before your heart straight up gets killed, man. i mean, i'm familiar with getting run by @#%$ and being spun and acting totally out of character, but for me this @#%$ is still incomprehensible because i could never even fathom feeling what we've had for eachother and then having it be so inconsequential and insignificant to me that i could be with someone else within a couple of months let alone days. i'm also torn between whether by continuing this relationship i'm being realistic in terms of acceptance or if i'm compromising my ideals and values. there's such a fine line between wisdom and being jaded. if i stay in this, i'm not sure it isn't out of weakness, and if i leave it behind, i'm also not sure it wouldn't be out of weakness.
so, if anyone has the energy to get into all of this to help me out, i'd appreciate any earnest input or perspective. thanks for taking the time to read it if you made it this far.
peace, love, acceptance, integration, & transcendence,
BeBop
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