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Bebop and IAmCanuck: I appreciate the kind words, but want to emphasize again that I am not an aged sage with profound advice. I just became a little concerned with the more negative advice and felt that there were two sides to every story. (no offense intended, Bebop)

Unless you've spent your life alone on a computer, you've gone through exactly what Bebop has experienced. Sometimes to different degrees. I don't doubt that some of the others have terrible experiences and needed offer advice based on how theirs turned out. That is, after all, what Bebop asked for.

I tried to read between the words that Bebop was writing. It is usually in there that you find the real truth that is going on inside him. Maybe he only needs reassurance that what he wants is really not a bad thing to pursue. I did not in any way get that what happened with his girlfriend was a malicious or calculated action on her part. And I didn't think that Bebop believed that as well.

I just wanted him to know that it is okay for things like this to happen. They will happen to everyone at one point in their life or another. They don't mean the end of a relationship and often times, it can actually strengthen it. You might lose trust initially, and that is expected to happen.

It's okay to get mad and feel betrayed and angry. Geez, been there, lived through that. But I've also learned that just because it did happen does not mean that her feelings for you have changed at all.

Well, let me rephrase that a little. They CAN change, but that can usually be a result of how you respond to the situation. Weird, huh? You're going to show a side to yourself about the type of person you are; something that she might never have seen before. After all, this is an extreme situation, right? It is either going to draw her closer or it is going to push her away.

When you think about it, the most obvious reactions are going to be:

1. You don't give a damn. That will say it all to her. It's clear that she needs to be looking around.

2. You become filled with a righteous anger. You spit in her face and curse her and then spend your time calculating how best you can hurt her beyond all measure. What you have have brought to me, I will deliver back to you 10 fold. I could write pages on this one, but I'll just use one word: Scary. (thinking about it and actually carrying it out are two different things. Everyone is allowed their anger. It's just in how it really comes out.)

3. You respond only with love, kindness and understanding. Yeah, and Mother Teresa was your grandmother.

4. Hurt and anger, but this time tempered by love. This is how Bebop expressed himself. He's filled with confusing feelings, but he's looking to what brought it on in the first place. He's looking inside as well as at the obvious. He's not letting his emotions run amok.

Sorry for referring to you as if you're not in the room, Bebop. And I also apologize if some of you think I'm standing removed on a soap opera and pontificating. I'm really trying not to do that; only just examine it as rationally as I can. After all, his situation is not unique, is it? I know I've screwed up myself in similar situations.

I think Bebop is extremely mature in his approach to this. You've exhibited profound insight and restraint in a situation that is usually run by hot emotions. You obviously care deeply about this girl and she for you.

It is only right that things work out for best for you and her. After all, I'm a bit of a sap. I like happy endings myself. :)

man, i've really had some kind characterizations thrown my way throughout the course of this thread. what greater compliment could i be given than to hear that someone hopes to god that there daughter meets a man like me? thanks dino! and thanks again, Vector, for all of your input and support and your reassurance that i'm being mature about this, too. you seem to know where i'm coming from in all of this. truth be told, just about all of what you've had to say has been stuff i'd been holding to already. the true value of hearing it is that it's coming from someone else and through consciencious delivery. through all of this, i've learned a great deal about myself, my areas of personal weakness, and how it all relates to being a better boyfriend and having a healthy relationship. evidently i needed this experience. as i said before, i'm 100% sure that she didn't act out of malice, but rather she acted as a confused little girl. when i'm on top of my game, there are no feelings of her being less genuine of a person than i know her to be. sure, if i'm being run by insecurity, there's all kinds of room for those kind of thoughts to run through my head, but i know i needn't listen to them because they haven't got any validity and, in fact, have an agenda of their own that's got nothing to do with her empirically.

Dino, he didn't dump her. that kinda fizzled because he was worthless and had put up a front that she was getting hip to and he was delighting in tearing it down covertly in order to cash in on his mysogynistic assault of innocence, naivete, and purity. he is twentyone and his "ex" that he's been controlling for four years just turned 18. this is one of those guys that gets off on jading girls. i mean, what kind of guy even tries to get with a girl that he knows to be one day out of a two year relationship? either an inconsiderate, ignorant, and selfish one, or a predator who sees an opportunity for usury. this guy is undoubtedly of the second variety. granted, it was more like eight days before he took it upon himself to lay her out and undress her, but that's not significant. what was her thinking? she didn't want him to lose interest and leave. that is such classic broken self esteem and vulnerability. perhaps if she hadn't been drinking, she'd have been more present to better consider that move. she felt taken advantage of even then, but, as she put it, "i can't put all the blame on him, because i'm a big enough girl to look out for myself". of course, they did it again about a week later, but i know how it can be once you've already done it with someone. the perspective that she's shared with me is basically that she wasn't rebounding back to me from a failed rebound, but that she realized how good a man she had found in me by seeing what it can be like to be with someone else... i always knew she'd have to experience some thing along these lines independently of me to get some things that i needed her to get in order for me to have more faith in our longevity, i just wish it didn't have to be so disguisting and extreme.

Vector, yes, i want to have my cake and eat it, too, but i'm working on that and i'm winning. thanks for lending me some more leverage.

To everyone who's contributed to this thread, my sincerest thanks for the time and depth you've shared with an anonymous PE brother. this kind of support is so reassuring to me not only in terms of my current struggle, but more importantly concerning the earnestness and true charity of people as individuals. this manner of a show of compassion means so much more to me than a bigger dick ever could.

soul to soul,
BeBop

P.S.: i'd originally expected this to be one of those threads that draws 1000 + views and no responses. shows what i know. :) as always, feel free to keep on bringing the feedback.

Stinger,

thanks for that. i appreciate your sharing of experience and your candor. god bless you, too. i have one question for you and for anyone else willing to chime in. do you have any accessible strategies for dealing with resentment?

BeBop

newman,

i haven't read "my story" but i'll check it out in a minute. thanks for your thoughts.

stretchin,

if this were about a pretty package, i'd have been outta this long ago. the exact reason i'm still here is because of what's inside. i see a growing process and an individual getting to know oneself better in her. it's not like she ever established a pattern of this kind of thing. she was of extremely limited experience in that entire realm. you may call me blind and deaf, but you don't even know anyone involved in this, and your bent on characterizing everyone archetypically. i don't think that's a helpful perspective, and frankly, when you say things like you can't open my eyes for me, i feel patronized. i appreciate that you're taking the time to contribute, but it seems to me like maybe you've got some unresolved issues of your own that could maybe stand some of your introspection. i don't know what's gone on with you in your past, but i'm not trying to classify people as types. undeniably, we share common tendencies, but the motivation for one person doing one thing maybe entirely unrelated to someone else's motivation behind doing the exact same thing. this is personal. there are real individuals here. there is nothing theoretical about this, and though it may have striking similarities to many other scenarios throughout history it is also unique. i'm not trying to start a fight here. i brought this to the board for input, and i've gotten a far greater response than i'd imagined, and very much of it has been extremely valuable. however, i don't need to be asked if i have eyes and ears. i think i deserve a little more credit than that, but if you don't see it that way, that's fine too. my only response is that there is a fine line between growing wise and growing jaded.

i hope all's well with everyone.

peace,
BeBop

gee man, that last dig is real classy. let me tell you, i really feel your sincerity in wanting to help with you throwing that kind of attitude at me. want to kick me some more while i'm down? i'm good for it. this is just plain f-d up. i guess it's time to close this thread. that's exactly the kind of reason i was hesitant to bring this to the forum in the first place. to everyone else, thank you for showing me why it was a good idea.

peace,
BeBop